So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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