My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
