Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
