Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
