I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
