i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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