Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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