To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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