Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
