I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
