I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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