am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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