we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
