sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
