there's paper in my vomit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize