Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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