Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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