it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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