Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize