I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
