I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
