woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
