it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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