1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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