Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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