I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
