i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So squirting runs in the family.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
