Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
