there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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