I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
