i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
