I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
