Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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