I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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