My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
