Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
