I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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