tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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