I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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