When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
