I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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