Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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