I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
