Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
