He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
