I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
