She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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