What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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