How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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