The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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