Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm too high and old for this...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
