sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
