Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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