you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this boner is exhausting
sarcasm needs its own font
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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