the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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