Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
love makes seman taste better
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
